I had the unique opportunity to attend an autopsy at the end of January during my EMS conference. I received mixed reactions when I told co-workers and friends that I was going to be partaking in this once-in-a-lifetime event. Yes, even I had mixed feelings as the day grew closer...but it was important for me to be there for many reasons.
Growing up I was so horrified of the thought of death, dying and the dead that I would get sweaty and my ears would ring if I thought about it too much. I was brought up fearing and loving God - but it was the nagging question of "what happens after" that I couldn't make sense of. Even with my Christian faith and upbringing I knew that God has a better life waiting for us, but at age 12 going 100% on faith is not always easy.
I attended funerals with my family but avoided getting to close to the deceased. I always thought it was morbid when family and friends would touch the hands or body of their departed friend. Lying there cold and looking more like a wax representation of someone I used to know. It was too much of a final state of life that I could not process.
That's pretty much how I dealt with death. AVOIDANCE.
Fast forward to the start of my career as an EMT. I was in my late 20s and still had not come to terms with death. The thing about EMS is that you have to deal with the living and the dead. Either you treat them alive and they stay alive or they take on the status deceased...or you find them after they have passed. You don't get to pick and chose how the calls will go. We do our best as we have been trained to handle an entire gammet of scenarios. Being thrust into the process of saving the living and taking care of the dead when they have passed did wonders for my phobia of the dead.
I learned the reasons that the body failed due to trauma, neglecting to take care of their health and sometimes self infliction. Becoming part of the process facilitated my acceptance of life and death.
It's been over 4 years since I have worked in the ER. I miss the patient care, being part of a dedicated group of people that work in harmony when life throws chaos in the mix. Someone's worst day is our best day to shine in our skills and training.
In keeping up my certifications I have to attend lectures for continuing education. Often times it's a lot of "butt in chair time"...topics that are dry but necessary to review. However, when opportunity to witness an autopsy at the most recent EMS conference presented itself it was never a question. I had to be a part of that. By facing the things that I fear the most I grow past obstacles. It is part is part of the journey.
Was it beneficial? Without a doubt. But the lessons that I walked away with that cold January day were not the ones I expected.
The initial presentation of this cadavar lying on a table in a full auditorium of 500 students with bright lights and cameras projecting the images on three large screens was a bit unnerving at 8:30 in the morning. But as the morning progressed I found myself on the edge of my seat. I was facinated with all of the stories this man was disclosing about his 86 years of exsistence by the careful disection of his organs. All of those lectures in my EMT classes about the body, it's systems and processes began to make perfect sense. I was understanding the reasons behind the lessons.
You would be surprised how incredibly large the liver is and how much room the abdomen actually takes up in the body. We truely are fearfully and wonderfully made. God designed and incredible work of art with the human body.
I was able to touch this man's heart - I cannot tell you how amazing it was to feel the Papillary muscles and chordae tendinae otherwise known as the "heart strings". Without them the valves in the heart would not work properly. For 86 years this incredible muscle never rested and now I was holding it in my hand. Simply amazing.
Also facinating was just how small the appendix is and that we know so little about it's role in the body.
Taking this man apart system by system was a priceless gift as a student of medicine. Every day there are countless processes going on that we never think about and possibly take for granted. I know I certainly didn't fully appreciate just how complex and facinating my own body is.
Having faith when the day comes that we will remain still was the key to my peace and acceptance of death. I don't struggle with the thought of dying as I did in my youth and I think a great deal is that now I really understand what it means to be fearfully and wonderfully made.
"For YOU created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14
